Simon Sinek wrote an incredible book called “start with why”. It is an absolutely phenomenal book and I highly recommend you read it. But why am I even mentioning it here right now, at this moment? Well, it’s because it really truly does make all the difference in your healing.
Start with your “WHY”
And in the grieving process is having a strong why. Throughout this topic, I will be discussing why beginning with your why makes all the difference when we start with why our heart shines through. And we get to see what your heart wants to create and do versus staying in your head all the time. Because let’s be honest, when I’m inside my head, then why doesn’t matter? My head gives me rational, long-winded explanations of why I should do or should not do something. It tells me the worst-case scenarios, leaving out the part about remembering the yin and yang of worst-case scenarios.
There is always a best-case scenario, what’s the best thing that could happen? So often, I find myself tending to focus on the things that could go wrong, rather than focusing on the beautiful, amazing, and incredible things that could happen because of it. Because I took that first step because I said yes to something I was scared of. Because I took that bold first step and took a leap of faith. What’s the best thing that could happen? And do you know what else though is neat, you get to put on your brave face, you get to flex your competence. And you get to be bold. You need all three if you’re going to share your why with the world.
Being a Voice to Others
I know for me when I decided to speak up and be the voice to those that felt like they didn’t have one, my whole life shifted. Rather than staying inside my head, and not stepping out with faith and courage and keeps telling me what my head is trying to tell me to do, which was to stay safe. Don’t speak out. Definitely don’t speak up. Listening to that negative self-talk that says no one wants to hear what I have to say. Or who will listen to you? These are just some of the things that my own inner critic spoke to me before I got the courage to say no more. No more. Will I stand by and let the people in my life feel like they don’t matter? No more. Well, family and friends think they are not loved. They are adored in fact. Even the people I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting will know that they are loved. They matter, you matter so do you.
Losing My Sister to Suicide
Just think about the people in your life and how often the people we love the most struggle behind closed doors. My sister did. She didn’t want a single person to know that she was struggling as badly as she was. Yes, we knew that she was struggling. But I didn’t know the depth of her pain. I wasn’t alone. None of my family knew the truth that she was contemplating taking her life.
We truly thought about all the things that she was doing and going through, such as seeing a counselor, medication that was prescribed to her she was taking that finding more social events to attend. She was exercising on a regular basis. She was doing all of these things and more in that dark place that she was in. We had no clue to us. She was finally letting the light back in. Yes, she was experiencing a moment of darkness a season of darkness I would call it but we had no idea.
We really had no idea when it came to the depths of pain that she was experiencing and on a regular basis, we truly felt that she had turned a corner. But little did we know that she was planning. We were all made to believe that she was finally turning the corner for the better. And reminding us of her old, bubbly self. And she was, she was letting that light back into her life slowly but surely. But it wasn’t enough. It was not what she believed.
Share your “WHY”
And I know I’m not alone when I get asked that question, because I and countless other suicide survivors get asked the same question. And that is, “WHY” Why did your loved one end their life? to be honest friend, there is no one size fits all. Or there’s not even a canned response if you will. Just because my paper says my sister passed away and died this way, doesn’t make my pain go away. And just because my sister left a note doesn’t make the pain goes away, either. The end will never justify the means.
As a suicide survivor, you will never come to a point of a long journey toward healing and say, Okay, that makes sense. What they did the actions they took, the decisions they made. Yep, that all makes sense now. No, you will never say that. I most certainly haven’t said that. And I’m sure if you have experienced that tragedy as I have. And as our family has, you will probably be saying yourself, yep, that’s so true. That’s never going to happen. But hear me when I say this, and I want you to listen in so skewed chin. You need to share your why, you need to share your heart.
I promise when you share your why, and your heart behind wanting to begin healing, others will follow your example. When I listened to the prompting that was being placed on my heart over and over and over again, to begin helping other families similar to ours heal after losing a loved one to suicide. It has been the biggest blessing. I want to be clear and transparent here, I don’t claim to have all the answers or solutions. I’m not capable of anyone else’s healing, but my own. I am not responsible for anybody else’s healing, but my own. But I will promise you that when you get clear, and when I got clear on my “why”, everything else will become clear too. I know it may not feel like that right now in a sea of unanswered questions. And so many what ifs or I could have done this, I just invite you to find your “why”. Sit still and listen to that small voice. Don’t listen to your head this time. But listen to your heart. Because when you listen to your head, you tend to believe the lie that it will get better if you just avoid it. But when you listen to your heart, and you find a reason why you need to begin healing, it changes everything.
Find Your Reason for Healing
For me, that meant that I had a three-year-old that was looking to me for answers. She wasn’t looking to me to understand why her aunt had passed away. But she was looking to me for answers as to what are we going to do next. Because I promise you this isn’t going to be the last time that she experiences a tragedy like this. I pray from the bottom of my heart that she never has to experience a loss to suicide. I pray that it begins with my sister and that it ends with my sister. But I don’t know that. I don’t have a magic ball. And neither do you. That’s why it becomes so important for you to find your why.
What’s your reason for healing? Why do you want to even heal? Do you want to heal?
Like I said before, I can’t answer that for you only you can. I just invite you to find a reason why. Find your reason for healing. Because once you do, it really does change everything. You now have a reason to get out of bed. You now have a reason to go to group therapy if that’s what you decide to do or start eating healthy because you’ve been pigging out on junk food, you now have a reason to start fresh and say, you know, this is really hard, I’m gonna get some help. And here’s why. Fill in the blank that could be a family member. For me, it was my daughter, but I don’t know what it is for you. Maybe for you, it may be this sheer determination to not let this happen again, to be bold and say, you know, this happened. And we are not going to let this happen again. And here’s why. And here’s how we’re going to do this.
Always Remember You Are Loved 💜
P.S. I’m here to support you every step of the way. Please reach out. I’d love to connect with you. You can find me on my website www.scatteringhope.com and owlandthistle.com And remember when you find your “WHY” it changes everything. Until next time, remember that you are always loved.